Goodbye, Trevor!
by NevemTeve
Summary: Neville and Trevor's final farewell.


AN: This story is a translation from Hungarian; if your Hungarian is better than my English, please read the original instead _(Isten veled, Trevor!)._ I do apologise for my bad English, corrections are welcome (PM me).

AN2: I don't know if JKR has ever used the word 'familiar' or 'famulus' in her books, I do use it in this story; it doesn't mean simply a pet like Hedwig, but a mate which lives in a strong mental connection with their master, like Mrs Norris with Mr Filch.

**Goodbye, Trevor!**

Of course it was raining. It was all right to rain, Neville thought, just like this, softly, quietly, patiently, as if it never wanted to cease. This is the right weather to bid a final farewell to someone.

However, he would have felt happier if one of his friends had been there with him, but as it was, it was himself who had sent Hermione away – he hoped that at least he hadn't offended her. To be honest, he couldn't have denied how convincing her words had been... the problem was that right there and then he _didn't_ want to be convinced about anything, especially not about his being wrong feeling like he felt.

And, above that, still there lingered that strange awkwardness he had always felt around her. Beforehand, it mainly made everything she said more true and more significant; but in this case, by the time they had finished their conversation, it was only his politeness that restrained him from bursting out: _'There has to something seriously wrong with me if I have to explain everything I feel so lengthy just to let you understand, and make you telling me how bad it is from me to feel like that!'_

The fate seemed to be kind to him; when he recognised the approaching girl, he sighed in relief: it wasn't Hermione returning; Luna Lovegood was walking towards him; she was holding a huge yellow umbrella over her head, and she seemed to humming lightly.

Having arrived to Neville, she didn't bother with greetings, or any sort of conversation; she simply handed him the handle of the umbrella, and stood by him, half her back to him, looking at the gloomy landscape; leaving it to him to decide whether he wanted to talk, or simply settled for her presence.

'Hermione?' Neville asked simply, leaving out half of the question.

'Her,' Luna replied simply.

'Did I offend her?'

'Maybe.'

'I didn't mean to... I wanted to be polite, but I don't think I could quite manage it...', he scratched his head helplessly. 'I guess there is no polite way to tell someone "Please leave me alone."'

'She is not angry with you, just sad that she couldn't make you feel better.'

'Maybe because I don't want to feel better right now? She said I shouldn't let myself "sink into the childish self-pity"... But I fail to see why I shouldn't... actually, I do think it is the right time to let myself sink into the childish self-pity.'

'You are very right here,' she replied, without any hint of irony. 'It happens so often that our friends cannot feel _enough_ sorry for us, or cannot feel sorry for us _in the right way._ Because they don't understand the reason of our sorrow, or try to understate it, or –'

'Or they try to make you feel better, when you only need some sympathy,' finished Neville.

'The worst part of it was,' he added, 'when she said: _"Your friends need you"..._ I almost asked her which friend of mine needed me, and why, and was that really so important that it couldn't wait a few hours or days... Not that I have anything to hold against them, but I think she should have put it this way: _"Your friends think that it's ridiculous to mourn the loss of a toad!"_

'Interesting contradiction, don't you think so?' Luna easily asked. 'You are still in love with Hermione, but you can tell that you couldn't live with her happily, if it so hard for you two to understand each other.'

Not knowing which one of the two statements should he deny, Neville only shrugged his shoulders, admitting.  
>'It was an unfortunate choice from me, wasn't it?... Or would it be more sincere to say that very fortunate? Everyone knew (maybe except for Ron) that Hermione has eyes for only one boy, so there was no <em>risk:<em> I was allowed to feel love, without being forced to confess her.' It surprised even himself, how easily he could admit it. Maybe he was moving over already?  
>'Does it make any sense?' he asked.<p>

'Certainly it does,' Luna replied. 'The day will come, _perhaps,_ when you are ready for actual love,' she added jauntily.

Neville's face twitched involuntarily, but he couldn't complain: it was himself who said he didn't need politeness or comforting lies... Luna obviously was the person who was not trying to be polite or to 'comfort' him.

Realising that they had exhausted the topic, Neville changed the subject:  
>'There goes Trevor, ' he pointed out a greyish brown spot in the distance, which might have been his past toad.<p>

'Did he escape again? It can't be difficult to bring him back with an _Accio!_...'

'No,' he sighed, 'this time he didn't escape: he simply left... There wasn't a single day in the past nine years when he didn't escape; I always got him back eventually, but I've never found out _why_ he kept escaping...

'I didn't know whether there was something wrong _with me,_ or _with him;_ in theory, a wizard and his famulus share a strong mental bond, which would never allow such things. Of course, I have known it all along that I am not a real wizard – hardly more than a squib...'

'Squibs may have famuli as well,' Luna reminded him, 'just think of Mrs Norris.'

'I also thought of the possibility,' he went on, 'that perhaps Trevor was not able at all to become a wizard's famulus... But it is not the case, I've checked it: I showed him to an expert, the owner of the _Magical Menagerie._ He said there was nothing wrong with Trevor, he even congratulated me for having such a well-cared, healthy and intelligent specimen.'

'And didn't he offer any explanation why Trevor kept escaping?'

'He did have an idea, which sounded rather possible. You know that some frogs' skin is poisonous (not that of toads, of course), but what if it could happen in the other way around? What if contacting my skin is poisonous for Trevor? Or at least unpleasant or disgusting? Things like that happened sometime, he said. There was a simple test to check it, we performed it right there and then...

'And you found out that there was no such 'physiological reason,' she guessed. 'Because, if there had been, you would have let him go right there.'

'Well, yes... sure... It was only this morning that I realised the real reason... I am not that quick, I am? It took me nine years to understand it, when it is so simple... It wouldn't surprise me if you told me you had known it for a long time.

'Yes, I knew it the first time when I saw Trevor escaping from you,' she admitted without any trace of embarrassment. 'You wouldn't have believed me if I had told you, just because it was so simple; you had to found out yourself...

'He kept escaping because _he didn't want to stay with me._ There is no point in looking for _any more reasons;_ Trevor is a sensible being, he has his personality and consciousness – there is nothing wrong with him, and hopefully there is nothing wrong with me; he simply doesn't want to live with me, and he doesn't want to be my familiar. Most likely he decided that in the very first minute when we met each other, and in the past years we were having an entirely pointless fight... He may find another wizard, or perhaps he want to live the life of an ordinary toad – most likely I will never find out.

'It's so unfair,' Luna sighed, 'that it had to happen with your first pet; there are people to whom it never happens in their life... Toads, by the way, are known to be selective; and above that, it was your Uncle, not yourself who chose him: he chose Trevor because he would have been fit _himself;_ most likely Trevor would have liked to be your Uncle's famulus.'

'That might be so,' he shrugged his shoulders. 'But if we are at the explanations, I would say the trouble was that I didn't treat him well. Not on purpose, don't get me wrong, it's not as if I tormented him, or didn't look after him, or fed him poorly, or didn't love him... I'd say I loved him _the wrong way:_ I was too enthusiastic, I wanted to love him too much... and I expected to much from him, as if I thought that he could substitute... that he could make up for...'

'For having lost you parents' love?' she helped.

'It's pathetic, isn't? Trevor sensed that I expected something he couldn't give, so he felt it decent to not even try...'

'I don't think it is pathetic,' she stated firmly, 'and if you think so, then you are very unfair to your eight-year-old self. Back then you didn't knew what you know now; you did not think and did not feel the way you do now... And eventually you learned a very important lesson...'

'That emotions cannot be replaced? That a _toad_ cannot substitute my parents?'

'That _nothing_ can substitute anything else! Nothing will compensate you for your botched child-hood and the loss of your parents... Many good thing have happened to you as well, and will happen, I hope – but the past eighteen years will never change, and these eighteen years formed you into the person who you are now...

Neville had hesitated a bit before he asked the next question, but he finally did ask it, mainly because he himself had already guessed what the answer would be. 'And this also means that I... that I won't ever be _entirely_ normal?

Luna gave her a wan smile. 'Am _I_ supposed to know anything about normalcy?' Neville couldn't help but smile back.  
>'But,' she went on seriously, 'these scars,' she gently touched his face, 'won't ever fade entirely, nor will the ones you have on your <em>soul.<em> Does this peace of information help you?' she asked back.

'Yes,' he decided after a bit of hesitation. This certainty didn't frighten him, as he would have expected, instead encouraged him.  
>'Yes, it helps me not to be ashamed for mourning Trevor, for being happy to having seen Bellatrix Lestrange's death... and in general for being "not entirely normal"...'<p>

'It sounds good for me', she said, then, with a new thought, she nodded toward the castle:  
>'Do you plan to come back in September, when the Hogwarts is reopened?'<p>

'I was given an offer the repeat my seventh year, and pass my NEWTs... After that I could candidate for an apprenticeship with Professor Sprout...'

'So you don't plan to return,' she concluded, without letting him finish.

'Well, no, I don't think so. The Hogwarts belonged to the Death-Eaters for too long, their presence sullied the walls and corrupted the souls – at least for us who knew it beforehand.

'Now that the Carrows and Snape are not here anymore, it will be cleaning up again, it will be even more beautiful than it used to be,' Luna said gently.

'So are _you_ going to return for your seventh year?'

'No, most likely I won't even be in the country that time.

'Another scientific expedition?' Neville smiled; it felt reassuring to find out that things were getting back into their normal way.  
>'I hope you will be able to find some Crumple-Horned Snorkack or Blibbering Humdinger... Good to know that there are things that don't change.'<p>

'Sadly, Neville, there aren't: Dad closes down the Quibbler and leaves the country, for years or perhaps for good...

'But he has no reason at all do that,' he protested heatedly, realising at once why Luna's father would want to go to voluntary exile. 'No one can blame him for what he has done... Everyone knew how desperate his situation was, how the Deather-Eaters blackmailed him... I can tell how he must have felt then...' He stopped for a moment to look into her eyes. 'It wasn't just an empty phrase, you know, don't you? It was how I felt when they caught you before the Christmas holiday; I couldn't blame anyone but myself: if I hadn't involved you into this reckless bravado, the Death-Eaters wouldn't have abducted you...'

'The three of us were equal parts of it, Neville, and it wasn't reckless bravado; or if it was, we didn't know it that time...'

'We should have known that Dumbledore's plan was working perfectly, only we weren't parts of his plan; or if we were, we were parts of the _problem,_ not the _solution.'_ Neville started to feel his forced calm disappearing.  
>'He might even have warned us, when he broke into his office to fetch Gryffyndor's Sword... Oh not, my fault, sadly he was not awoke that time, he was just having a nap in his frame,' he said angrily.<p>

'This was the point, I suppose, where you and Hermione could not... understand each other?'

'Well, no, it become even worse,' Neville said a bit more quietly. 'The idea which I, according to her, should not even think of, is that maybe I still was part of Dumbledore's plan – an insignificant little part, but still part – but not the way I would have thought...

'It's about Severus Snape, of course,' he started to explain. 'Now, we know how it was when he changed sides and joined Dumbledore's side, as if he put his life in Dumbledore's hands: he would have done everything Dumbledore would have asked for, without any questions and conditions... just to help saving Lily Evans.

'Maybe only unconsciously, but he hoped that Dumbledore would be his... advisor... fatherly friend... someone, who would help him to purify, start a new life, or I don't know how to put it...

'His _Redeemer,'_ Luna helped.

'Maybe that is the right word,' Neville agreed. 'Right there and then Dumbledore could have become his Redeemer, he could have helped him to clean his soul from the darkness; but he didn't, he couldn't bother with Snape's soul when he had to bother with the war against Voldemort.

'Instead of letting Snape fight against Voldemort, he sent him _back_ to the Death-Eaters to act for him as a spy, even if he knew that that might have broken even an intact soul, let alone one only trying to break free from the darkness...'

'So you think Dumbledore sacrificed Snape for the _Greater Good,'_ Luna summarised.

'Should I find a nicer wording?' he bitterly asked.  
>'Even so, it would not have grown this bad if the tragedy hadn't come... When Lily Evans died, Snape's soul crashed; he demanded an explanation from Dumbledore, who couldn't give any.<p>

'But he still didn't let him go; he kept Snape by himself, because he knew he would need him again when Voldemort returned. _A dark soul in the service of the Light'_ – very poetic, I would say.

'And still, he knew that Snape needed some payback or compensation... No, not his _friendship_ or at least _trust_ – it was too late for that, and that wouldn't have matched to job he meant for Snape: that he would have to play to role of the dual agent _once more,_ as Dumbledore could foresee what was going to happen...

'The payback was,' Luna guessed, 'that he allowed Snape to torment you? To humiliate you, and to crush your self-esteem?'

It was the umpteenth time that she foresaw his thoughts, but he'd never been so grateful for it beforehand: he would have been ashamed to say it... And even now he felt compelled to lessen his own importance:  
>'It wasn't only me! He was even more cruel with Harry... and there had to be many other cases we don't know about... The only problem was that I wasn't as strong as Harry. I had known very well that I am not much of a <em>wizard,<em> but Snape convinced me that I am not a valuable _human being_ either...

Luna didn't seem surprised or outraged either.  
>'Seeing from this point of view, I can understand why do you feel that Dumbledore let you down... But still, there is an important thing you seem to have forgotten: <em>nothing<em> can substitute anything else!'

'What does that have to do with it?' he asked, feeling baffled.

'Dumbledore wasn't your father, or your grandfather, or your guardian; and he never stated he would want to act as such. He _didn't_ promise that he would look after you, or do anything for you; so you have no right to say that he let you down.

'You mean that it was me who mislead myself? Just because Dumbledore looked like a loving grandfather, I assumed he would be act as such... I expected something he had never promised, and I could never have given – it's bit like it happened with Trevor...

Luna simply nodded, then she asked him:  
>'Do you want to talk to Dumbledore's portray? Maybe it could help you to understand everything better, and get to the forgiving.'<p>

If she wanted to help him out of the self-sorrow, then she succeed: Neville's tears did not cease, but he couldn't suppress at little lopsided smile.  
>'Only if it helped me to understand it <em>less...<em> You know, when he was live, he never wanted to talk with me; and even now, if he wanted to see me, he could have sent for me, so we can state that he doesn't want; and I don't know either what I should tell him.'

'Then, I suppose, I can answer your question', she changed the subject again, but so suddenly that he completely lost the thread.

'Which question of mine?'

'You asked which of your friends needed you, and why, and was that really so important that it couldn't have waited a few hours or days...

Even if it had been only a rhetorical question, somewhere between irony and bitterness, but he still wanted to hear what answer she could offer.

'I need you to be my companion for a few months' – or perhaps years' – travel in South America; and if you are willing, you should do your packing tonight.

'So finally you couldn't make your Dad to change his mind,' Neville guessed.

'No, and if I tried to force him, it would be as if I denied his right to have his own life and his own feelings.' This thought was suspiciously familiar to Neville, so he decided not to argue it any more.  
>'And of course I'll go with him, and stay there, at least for a few months, while Dad finds his place there, but maybe for much longer... And it would be very nice, if one of my friends came with me...<p>

How simple does it sounds from Luna, he thought. To spend months or years abroad, somewhere in South America, maybe even Mr Lovegood doesn't exactly where on the continent... Speaking of which, he remembered, in the Brazilin jungles there lived many rare plants, which nobody had been able to acclimatize in Europe... And of course it would not be like he would left the country for good: he did mean to visit his parents every Christmas, and send letters to his friends every now and then...

'Yes, I'd like to go with you,' he said with a determination which surprised even himself, 'but are you sure that I am the right person...?'

'Who else could it be?' she asked. 'Now, that the war is over, and our friends finally got a chance for a normal life and family happiness, it would not do if I took this chance away from any of them, bringing them with me into godforsaken jungle...

The hidden meaning in the explanation was so clear that he didn't want her tell openly: _'But for yourself, your best chance for a normal life is coming with into a godforsaken jungle._  
>'Shouldn't I take some preparations?' he asked instead.<p>

'There's no need to hurry, we aren't departing before tomorrow morning; for now, I think, the most important thing to do is introducing you to my Dad... Can we go?'

_'Just a moment please: I think I have seen a fly under the leaves: in weather like this, they are usually hiding and waiting the rain to stop... Of course they are not expecting _me..._ Look, what a nice spot did I found, right here at this puddle: the dirt is very comfortable and the smell of the damp grass surrounds me... This is the place I wanted to find in all my life...'_

Puzzled, Neville shook his head. Was he daydreaming, or what could it have been?  
>'That was funny,' he said, 'for a moment I was toad; at least I shared a toad's thoughts...' he spent a few moment thinking, then he found out:<br>'I guess it was Trevor's farewell: for a moment he opened his mind, let me feel what I would have felt if he really had been my familiar...'

Goodbye, Trevor!


End file.
